yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
