I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
