oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
