Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
