I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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