there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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