3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
