You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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