Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
