Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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