stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
