just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I will be naked everywhere
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
