She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
