after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
