If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
