I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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