And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
