Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
