if you like me you must not know who I am
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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