My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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