12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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