OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
