she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
