I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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