The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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