Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
