I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
