Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
