i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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