I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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