Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
