girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
