I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
