Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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