I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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