She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
