WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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