maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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