remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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