3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
