Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
