Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
