My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
