roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
