You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
