2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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