The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
