smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
