dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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