just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
