nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
