I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
