do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
