I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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