did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
